The Seeds of Freedom

I have committed to Shannon to write a series of articles around the 12 Steps of recovery, originally developed as part of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and now widely used in recovery for a variety of addictive behaviors. The introduction to Steps 2 and 3 (August 2007 issue) revolved around the spiritual nature of recovery in which a higher power is felt to be a mentoring partner in recovery and in learning to live life on life?s terms. Religion is not the issue, nor should anyone dictate the name or nature of another?s higher power ? that is for each person in recovery to determine for herself individually. But over the 70 years or so that the 12 Steps have been employed, statistics have proven that recovery is rarely possible absent of spirituality based on a positive personal concept of a higher power. Openness and willingness tie directly to this spiritual program. The third, but primary, essential ingredient is honesty.

This month I would like to share my own personal experience with working Steps 2 and 3, before we move into an introduction of Step 4 in the next issue. In this issue you can also find a song* I wrote recently that depicts the story I am about to tell ? a story of restored freedom that began with openness to these two steps as a foundation for the work that followed.

One of the first things I was confronted with after coming to terms with my powerlessness over my addictions was an attempt to define sanity. My life had been so out of control for so many years, I had lost sight of what sanity looked like to me. But Step 2 clearly dealt with sanity: ?Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.? So, my higher power had to be more powerful than my self-directed self, and I needed to open myself to some vision of sanity, since that is the goal of recovery. Without a vision, what motivation would I have to strive for sanity?

As I meditated ? moving away from negative definitions that were just another way to rehearse my insanity ? I recalled a time in my life when the world felt safe, well ordered, joyful, and, yes, sane. It was a time before I began to develop self-focused filters that caused me to take the events of my life so personally (whether others intended them that way or not) and turn them into the fears and resentments that led to addiction.

We had moved from the United States to an idyllic medieval farming community in southern Germany, close to the Austrian border and in the foothills of the Alps. At the age of five, I was an adventurer, fearless, delighted with people of all sorts, a great storyteller, and absolutely free to roam the local village and farmers? fields. I can remember today what it felt like on the inside to run through wildflower-covered fields, the breezes streaming through my silver hair, arms outstretched, convinced that if I ran fast enough I would soon fly. I can remember having no thought at all except to notice the beauty around me. I felt utterly safe, surrounded by a warm quilt of protection that I can only define today as a child?s concept of God (my choice of labels for my higher power).

As my spirit returned to this place of freedom, I realized that this is my definition of sanity. I wanted to have that same feeling about life today, as an adult. I wanted to be able to stay in the moment, utterly conscious of my surroundings, but with joy rather than fear of them. I began to realize the walls I had built (fear, anger, anxiousness, and addictions) kept me from being free. They bound me in my own misery that needed to be fed through addictive behaviors, locked me away from the freedom I had experienced as a child.

I began to look at my concept of God in a different way ? not as the school principal waiting in the hall to rap his heavy ruler across my knuckles for not doing right ? but rather as the creative force behind that childlike love of freedom. And that creative force is only operative in the present moment ? right here, today ? not in my history and not in the future, which is, after all, just the accumulation of all the choices I make from day to day. These realizations were absolutely life changing for me, and I have never lost sight of them.

I encourage you to approach these two steps with a childlike heart, open to the good things that are available in life. You don?t have to seek them; they will find you as you are restored to sanity. They have certainly found me over my decade in recovery. If you have memories of times when you felt truly happy and at peace, dwell on them as much and as long as you can. If you don?t have those sorts of memories, create visions that bring you peace and joy. Make them about you, about feeling free on the inside, unconcerned about how others respond to you. Create a higher power who is on your side, who sees you as perfect just as you are, who cherishes everything about you. When you have a vision of sanity, you can move onto the 3 rd Step prayer, using whatever name you are comfortable with for your higher power. Create this prayer in your own words. Mine goes something like this:

© Lynn Gerhard, 2007, Houston, TX

*To read the new song lyrics by Lynn, click HERE
To read more about Lynn, click HERE

If you would like to submit a question or idea for a topic you would like to see addressed in a future edition, please send it to Shannon c/o Good News HERE