Shannon's Holiday Table-side Tips

1. Treat the holiday mealtime as just another meal, ie - employ your recovery tools of moderation, positive self-talk and self-encouragement, good company (don't sit next to Auntie X who always tells you that you need to 'eat more' or Grandma Y who loads your plate up with second helpings without your permission), and courage.

2. Go rent 'Runaway Bride' and watch how bride-wannabe Julia Roberts turns the tables on her judging, joking alcoholic Dad. Craft a script in your head IN ADVANCE for how you will respond to relatives who want to make scrutinizing your every move at or near the table into a new national sport. Remember that every one of us has secrets, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, and family members who dive into your personal business the deepest may have the most to hide themselves. Employ compassion if possible, but always remember - you are NOT a placemat, you are a GUEST at the holiday table JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. And you deserve the same respect, so don't be afraid to ask for it, and, if necessary, demand it.

3. Make a contract with yourself for conducting your holiday table-side behavior - make several if needed. Suggestions that have worked for me with both anorexia and bulimia in the past include, 'If I don't want it in my body I won't put it in', and, 'If I put it in my body I commit that it will stay in'. Other suggestions include, 'I will remember and honor with each bite all those who contributed to the blessing of having the option to eat and give thanks today', and 'I will eat at my own safe pace regardless of what may be said or done around me.' Find what works for you and write it down in advance. Carry it with you to the holiday table.

4. Spend a few moments (or longer) alone with yourself before engaging in the holiday meal. If possible, decide in advance how long you will spend at or near the table. Then, if and when stress arises during mealtime, remind yourself, 'Hey, it's only an hour (or two hours or a day or whatever it is) of your life - you can do it!' Put the holiday time into your big-picture life perspective by whatever means necessary and pace yourself accordingly to get through it. In other words, it is inevitable and hopefully comforting that if the holiday meal isn't the world's most pleasant experience for you, then 'this too shall pass'. And remember, you are not the only one with fears and maybe even some dread of holiday time with family. There is a reason the holidays are the most stressful time of year for many people! No matter what it may feel like, you are not alone.

5. If possible, spend the holiday meal with a supportive, close friend or family member who understands the challenge the holiday meal presents to you. If it is not possible to have that person be physically present with you, arrange in advance with the person of your choice that you will call or text or email when the need arises to receive additional emotional support. I have often done this with a close friend of mine - in past years I have been known to call her on Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving Day, right up till the time my family was scheduled to eat, and it has always helped me find my courage and stamina to rise to the occasion. I recommend this highly!

6. Remember that the Good News and communities,and other supportive communities you may be connected with, are also here to support you! Email, post, write...whatever you need to do to stay connected to others who are courageously taking on similar challenges to your own.

7. If you are traveling short or long distances for the holidays, map out your itinerary and take a look in advance at mealtime challenges. If your support team has provided you with a specific mealplan or mealtime guidelines, think in advance about how you will provide for your nutritional needs while away from home. Don't think so much about what your ed may WANT you to do (ie: restrict because you suddenly find yourself without appropriate food, or binge because you suddenly are faced with too much food) - think about what you have COMMITTED and WILL do for your own recovery work. What will you bring with you to eat while in the airport, on the plane, on the train, in the bus, in the car, in the morning before everyone else is up, at night when everyone else is too full for the obligatory night-time snack? Go to the store and stock up on small, manageable, portable, nutritious items that you can easily take with you. If the holiday offerings are not on your meal plan EVEN if you are cooking them for someone else, or if some holiday items are specifically deleted from your meal plan, make sure to make other arrangements in advance for yourself. Do not let anyone pressure, judge or question you about this! It is your right, just like it is the right of diabetics or hypoglycemics to have special dietary modifications. If you need help thinking through options be sure to let your support team know in advance of the holidays so you have time to plan.

8. The Golden Rule of Holiday Stress - whatever works to support you on the other days of the year will also work to support you on holiday days. If you are scheduled to spend a significant time outside your home or comfort zone environment, then bring as much of 'home' with you as you can to your temporary holiday residence! Do not worry about over-packing. There is no such thing as over-packing when your emotional wellbeing is at stake. Worst-case scenario you might have to shell out a couple bucks for an extra or overweight suitcase, but it is well worth it to purchase your peace and stability during an otherwise stressful time. Think of books, CDs, DVDs, pictures, blankets, stuffed animals, clothing, mementos, personal care products - anything that will help you re-create home no matter where you are. Then open up your overnight bag and load them in!

9. JOURNAL. TALK to yourself through any stress you may be feeling - LISTEN to yourself and be there for yourself in any way you can. You may be lucky and find yourself receiving a surprising and welcome outpouring of support from relatives. Or you may not be so lucky and find out that support that was never there still isn't, or support that used to be there is curiously absent. But the bottom line in recovery EVERY day of the year is that you are your #1 support team! I strongly suggest that if you notice your self-support system falling down on the job, that you take out your journal and start to jot down what you are hearing, repeating, and listening to in your head. Do you hear consistent messages such as, 'I failed last year and I'll fail again this year', 'No one understands - they are all watching and judging me', 'I feel so alone - I can't do this', 'I am so horrible I slipped up yesterday and now I can't face anyone'....you get the picture. Whatever it is, write it down. Don't wait. Nip it in the bud, and then write out the antidote phrase. For instance, 'Last year doesn't define this year - I survived ed for another whole year and this year I'm going to kick its butt!'. Or, 'If they don't understand and thus judge me for my ed, I'll teach them. If they don't want to learn, then forget them! I don't need them to recover and I won't have to see them again for a long time anyway!' Carry your journal with you for support always to remind you that your #1 holiday job is to support yourself!

10. And finally, the holidays are only as big a deal as we make them out to be. Ditto for the holiday table. It's really just another day in the life. It's today's recovery challenge meal. And just like any other day and any other meal, it comes with pitfalls and blessings attached - don't let yourself turn so much attention to the potential pitfalls or stressors that you miss out on the blessings and golden opportunities to learn and even strengthen your recovery. Turn the holidays on their ear and use them as a chance to LEARN everything you can about where you are still hung up in your recovery, what family systems (or individual members) may be contributing to that, where you are more sensitive than you feel you should be or less sensitive than you know you should be. Life is the teacher and the lesson; we are its students. If you craft an advance plan to approach the holiday table like an archeologist searching for buried treasure, or a sociologist running a focus group to study human behavior (including but not limited to your own) then you can't help but come out ahead and maybe even find yourself grateful for new insights you might not have received in any other way!

I send out my encouragement and blessings to all of you this holiday season. I am PROUD PROUD PROUD of you in advance for taking on the challenge. If you have other holiday tips, ideas and suggestions that you would like to share with us, I would love to receive them and send out a p.s. to the list above. If you need additional support during the holidays please let us know how we can be with you. You can do it and your life is worth it. And in my eyes, you are already an inspiring CHAMPION of recovery!

much love,

Shannon

Do you have a related question about the holidays, mealtime, or ed in general that you would like to submit for future editions of Good News? If you would like to submit a question or send a message of holiday support to the Good News community please click HERE