QUESTION: I would like to know how I can stop comparing myself with other people about almost everything. I know I have a problem, but actually sometimes when I think I can do things in a better way everything gets worse. I just would like to be myself, but maybe I don't even know the real person I am. I think I concentrate too much on things that are not really important and sometimes I do things I consider wrong just because I just want people love me. THANK YOU !!!!!

ANSWER: I think your instincts are right on target – as they usually are when our instincts pick up on something in ourselves that needs adjusting. We are much wiser than we give ourselves credit for! And you are no exception.

When I hear this question, ‘how do I stop….???’, the answer is always, ‘with time and sustained self-effort.’ Whatever you have learned has been learned over time. Whatever must be unlearned, and whatever must be learned anew, will also take place over time.

This means that with small, daily, sustained and persistent effort, transformation becomes entirely possible. We live in a culture of rampant impatience. Nothing in our surroundings suggests that progress is supposed to take time. In fact, we often suspect that if we don’t experience overnight results, it is because we are doing something wrong, when in fact the very opposite is more likely the case! In most cases, the real problem is that we haven’t given ourselves ENOUGH time to show real improvement! A good general rule of thumb is to remember that any progress that is built to last will be built over time.

So start SMALL. If you know that what you are doing and how you are thinking about yourself makes you feel unhappy, then deliberately begin to notice when the feelings of ‘getting worse’ arise, and work HARD to put the brakes on and change your thoughts and actions into ones that make you feel better about being you. Here is an exercise to help you understand how this might help:

Read this list of five statements, and imagine as you do so that every statement is absolutely TRUE. Then, stop and notice how you are feeling inside:

I am ugly and fat
I am an embarrassment
I am stupid
I am incompetent
I am unworthy of love
I am not worth fighting for

Now, read this second list of five statements, and imagine as you do so that every statement is absolutely TRUE. Then, stop and notice how you are feeling inside:

I am beautiful
I am wonderful
I am smart
I am capable
I am worth loving
I am worth fighting for

Do you see the difference? How you are feeling and what you believe about yourself will, over time, craft your entire experience of ‘life’ as you know it, and of ‘you’ as well. So maybe you really don’t know yourself that well, or at all. Maybe all you know is how you have been feeling about you, which has been based on a series of mental judgments you have been making – the mental commentary that continues without any attempts (up until now at least) on your part to silence it. Maybe, in part, your comparisons are just thinly veiled attempts to figure out who you really are.

I say this because, from my own experience, I have noticed that when we feel like a stranger in our own skin, we look to others for direction and help to figure out who we are. So, instead of comparisons, notice which qualities in others you can relate to or resonate with. Then, remind yourself that, biologically speaking, each human being is utterly unrepeatable – totally unique – and so, while you may be able to relate to certain traits in someone else, there is no such thing as ‘better’ or ‘worse’, because there are no two human beings on this planet who are alike. In other words, there is no other ‘you’ to compare yourself to! There is just the work of refining what you enjoy about yourself, and smoothing out the rough edges in you that sometimes wound you when you aren’t paying close enough attention.

In addition, if you know that you make certain choices based on a fear of not being loved, then create a new definition of what ‘being loved’ is. Is it conditional – based on people-pleasing words and actions? Is that what ‘love’ is to you? Do some research – create a definition of love for yourself that reflects your entire understanding about what love is between two human beings. Next, ask yourself how YOU love yourself, and others. Do you expect utter conformity with your expectations and demands in exchange for love? Often we attract forms of ‘love’ into our lives that conform with our beliefs about love, or the ways in which we choose to show love to ourselves and others, rather than the reality of what love really is. It is quite possible that the people in your life might love you whether you please them all the time or not. It is also quite possible that you can continue to love yourself, EVEN when you are not particularly pleased about your own thoughts or decisions! But you will never find out unless you create a deeper understanding of what being loving, and loved, is to you, and then begin to practice it in each one of your relationships. Any so-called ‘love’ that will be withdrawn the moment you cease to people-please was never really love in the first place. It was simply a business arrangement! Keep this in mind as you work with your concepts of love and examine how you love and are loved by those in your life.

Ultimately, your own (obviously highly intelligent) mind will either help you or drag you down in your quest for healing and recovery. It is up to you to decide which one it will be. When your mind is making you miserable, leading you into choices and actions that conflict with what you feel is right, then you must take control of your mind. This is not an easy endeavor, and practice makes progress, not perfection. I think you hit the nail on the head when you stated that you may not really know who the real ‘you’ is yet. So make THAT your action item – spend your time getting to know yourself. The better you get to know yourself, the less likely you are to cave in to internal mental pressure, or peer pressure. You will become strong from the inside out through knowing more about who you are and what you are all about, which will make it easy to stand your ground, stand up for yourself, and demand love from yourself and others in a form that you can digest, and are willing to offer in return.

Warmly,

Shannon

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