QUESTION: i am very curious about the link between starving one's self of food and starving one's self of sex and sexual pleasure. i have done both. currently, i am at a healthy weight. i am curvy and fleshy, not obese, and not happy. sometimes i overeat because i feel 'in love with' food. i do not see the possibility of being in an intimate relationship with a living person in my near future. this saddens me. i feel very much alone. i wonder what to do about the ever-present fear/need of food/sex. thank you for listening.



ANSWER: There is some research to suggest that a phenomenon known as ‘addiction transference’ may be to blame for instances where recovery from one type of repetitive addictive behavior pattern is achieved, only to be replaced by another, equally harmful pattern! I have also heard the term ‘sexual anorexia’ referred to a pattern of sexual abstinence that mimics the nutritional abstinence of someone suffering from an eating disorder such as anorexia.

Whenever our intuition senses a desire we have – for instance, the desire for an intimate connection with another human being – and we for whatever reason negate our ability to have what we desire, we will have an emotional response. That emotional response will require OUR response. From reading your email, it sounds like you are responding to your very normal and healthy desire for physical intimacy with a partner by telling yourself that that is not something you can have. That is triggering an emotional response, which in turn is sending you running for a consolation prize – something to ease the pain of hearing ‘no’ as your own answer!

The link, if such a link exists, between self-starvation through food and self-starvation through other human desires, such as intimacy, will be different for each person. You are going to need to figure out what YOUR link is. Without knowing more about your personal history and background, it is not possible for me to even hazard a guess, but I will venture to bet that you can guess at what the link might be!

Why do you believe you do not have the ability or possibility to enjoy a partnership with another human being in a way that you believe would bring you joy? What would change your mind? What work do you need to do for your dream to one day turn into a reality? What work do you need to do to discipline yourself to confront the real underlying issue, rather than allowing yourself to turn to food to comfort yourself as you grieve for what you believe you cannot have?

It might be beneficial to seek out someone to talk through these issues with you and explore solutions. If you are not currently involved in a therapeutic relationship, this might be a good time to begin that process with a trusted, trained guide. You are NOT alone. None of us are alone – we all have something we are struggling with that creates that sensation of aloneness within us, but we are only alone in the specifics of what we struggle with. The struggle itself is something every single one of us shares. Take comfort, and courage, in knowing that, as you begin to do the work you need to do to heal.

Write again if you need to.

Warmly, and with HOPE,

Shannon

Do you have a related question you would like to submit for future editions of Good News?

Would you like to send a message of encouragement and support to the person who asked this question? (NOTE: all messages of support will be received and published anonymously in future editions of Good News)

If you would like to submit a question or send a message of support please send it to Shannon c/o Good News HERE