QUESTION: Hi Shannon! I saw your site and am comforted - I am 40 now- Bulimic for over 20 years. I finally have a happy life, a wonderful husband--but a continuing war with my fat--or whatever it is. Tomorrow I am starting a diet and exercise program-I know I can do this. Pray for me! I am a nurse and aware of what is happening but I keep saying it will stop--I feel like a failure at everything. I'm sorry I am telling you all this, but I can't tell anyone about it--I'm full of pain, and FOOD. Gotta go now.

ANSWER: Hi - I understand. You don't have to apologize for sharing your pain and your story with me. This is how we stay strong.

As I can tell from your email, your mind obviously is aware of the futility and danger of continuing with bulimia. But that is not a strong enough motivator on its own. I have built my outreach work around helping people find a 'key to life', something that matters more to them than their eating disorder, something worth living for and dying to preserve. Mine was my music - music was the place where I found my self-esteem when the rest of me had become consumed with the eating disorder. When the eating disorder prevented me from continuing my music career, I woke up and realized the truth. I became willing to be a hero for myself - to stare death down to get back what mattered most to me.

So your wonderful life contains your key to life. And your key to life contains your hope of overcoming your bulimia.

I am not in any way suggesting it will be easy. I often tell people that recovery is like walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon without a safety net. But the good news is, it can be done. And the even better news is, we don't have to walk it alone anymore. It is SO important for you to build a support team - treatment professionals, friends and if possible family members who can support you. Recovery doesn't happen in isolation - isolation only breeds more of the same. And isolation can happen in the midst of a crowd of well-wishers who don't know how to be there for you.

So grab your courage and begin communicating with those close to you. Share honestly and openly where you're at and what you need from them. Invite them to support you. Join support groups, find a counselor who can help (if finances are a problem as for a sliding scale). Keep a food journal - notice what happens before and after each binge/purge episode until you can decode when/where/why/how your eating disorder occurs, and build alternate coping skills to support you in those trigger moments.

I am 36 now. I was 11 when I first became ill with anorexia, and 18 when I first developed bulimia. I was 23 when I first started to try to recover, and 26 before I got serious. So that is almost 10 years it has taken for me to unlearn what I spent 15 years learning to do so well. PATIENCE and PERSEVERANCE are KEY. I can't say this enough.

And most of all, do not apologize. I will say it again. Do not apologize. 90% of recovery happens when your inner commitment to do this NO MATTER WHAT becomes concrete - the bedrock of your existence. The other 10% is the bulk of the visible work, but really just consists of doing the above action items and developing healthy coping skills to replace those that do damage to you and to your life. Work on the 90% - become willing to do anything to get better, and you will find out just how strong you are and how much you have in you to stay the course.

Grieve for what you must give up when you leave the bulimia behind - become willing to go through the grieving process, and honestly acknowledge and accept the part of you that is TERRIFIED to let the bulimia go. Then honor her, and gently tell her, 'I understand, but you simply cannot have that anymore. However, you can have all these other things....' and remind her of all the good that is in store for her in recovered life.

I believe in you.

Warmly,

Shannon

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