ANSWER: Thank you so much for writing. I will start by saying this - if you truly want nothing more than to overcome your eating disorder, you WILL. If there is no other way but through, then you will find a way through. I believe this with all of my heart and I say it only because I have experienced its truth first-hand in my own life and in my own recovery.

So - I want to ask you initially to look at three things in your life and tell me where you stand in each of these areas in relation to recovering from your eating disorder:

Because I know so little about the state of your health or where you are in your recovery, you will need to fill in the blanks for both of us so we can figure out what is needed to get you moving in the right direction. You are right - having an e.d. is no way to live. But you need to revisit your understanding about something else - because you must know with all your heart that you CAN disarm the disease before it will actually become possible. Just because it doesn't seem right now that you can, just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that you can't, and doesn't mean that it won't happen. For awhile I thought I couldn't disarm my e.d. either, until it became clear that my choice was disarm the e.d. and live, or fail and die. And I didn't want to die. So I found a way to disarm it - largely without the help of others - and I survived. You can too. You need to dig down deep and find your reserves of strength and courage and learn to FIGHT. You can do it - you really can. Other people can walk with you and support you and guide you somewhat, but we can do nothing until you believe that it not only has to happen, but that it can, and it WILL.

I recently read an article about courage. It said that courage isn't the absence of fear - it is the recognition that something else is more important than your fear. What is more important to you than your e.d.? What are you living for? What is the dream you have, what is the great work - specifically - that you want to accomplish if only your e.d. behavior was a thing of your past?

New research (read this article for more info: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10219756/site/newsweek/) shows that e.d. is 50% mental-illness, and yet the other 50% is still unaccounted for. I believe the other 50% is personal choice. Rent and watch 'A Beautiful Mind', even if you've seen it before. Watch how John Nash interacts with the facts of his life, and watch how he makes choices that directly impact the quality of his life. Watch him learn to interact with his disorder and manage it, and learn from him. Rent and watch 'Seabiscuit' and watch as the jockey realizes his bulimia can't help him win the race - in fact it is irrelevant to his chances of achieving his dreams. Watch him choose to take his energy and place it elsewhere, where it can do so much more good.

That is enough for now. I will close by asking you to contemplate this quote during your quiet time or when you are writing in your journal - how do you see your e.d.? Is it a problem that is your equal? Does it have greater strength than you? Is this even possible? Why or why not?

"You should have courage. You should have bravery. you should have enthusiasm, and you should have the feeling you can accomplish everything.  This is courage. You look at your problems as your equal. And therefore, you can rise to the demands of each moment knowing they are not greater than you are. You are equal to it."

Much love,

Shannon