QUESTION:I was recently diagnosed with a paralyzed stomach secondary to many years of severe anorexia (not underweight) and bulimia. They said I was EDNOS because I didn't meet the criteria for either. I went through a REALLY abusive 10 year marriage and a pretty bad divorce. I have one BEAUTIFUL 10 year old as a result of that horrible marriage, but she is the blessing through it all. Anyway after being diagnosed I made a commitment to myself that I would not starve myself or participate in any harmful behaviors around food. That lasted all of 6 months, I got into a sticky situation with my ex and something he was doing with our daughter that I did not approve of and I fell right back into the trap of ana and mia! I DO NOT want to do this anymore. As a result I have had 20 plus hospitalizations in the past year and have had to have a feeding tube surgically placed into my intestines because my stomach is paralyzed. They said it's pretty severely parealyzed. It should take the human stomach no longer than 3-4 hours to empty. After 6 hours I still had 56% of the meal in my stomach. They have tried medications that typically help less severe cases, but to no avail. I want out of this. I love Jesus. I know he can heal me. I believe that he died on the cross for my sins (destructive behaviors) but there is a block there I can't seem to get over! I know you can't answer all emails. I just thank you for taking the time to read my plea of any help/encouragement you can give me! My daughter and I thank you to the moon and back.


ANSWER: Thank you for writing to let me know what is going on in your life. If you find inspiration in my life and story, that means that there is a place within you that believes the same is possible for you. I believe that we often first recognize ourselves in the stories of others. But then we have to take those stories home with us and make them our own.

The encouragement I will give you is to keep taking advantage of all that you have learned over the last many years to keep moving yourself forward. Remembrance is key in overcoming the devastating effects of an eating disorder. Faith is an important element of recovery, but comprehensive recovery takes place in the meeting of faith and daily, sustained self-effort. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery must take place in order for the eating disorder to become a minor player in the major events of your fruitful and meaningful life.

It sounds like your daughter is a true force for inspiration and motivation in your battle to overcome your eating disorder. It is VERY important not to be hard on yourself for your current inability to keep promises you make to yourself to disengage from eating disordered behavior patterns. The reason you return to those patterns in times of stress is because you have not yet built up faith in other coping skills to get you through hard times! You have to recover little by little, over time, and build up your faith and trust in your new coping skills as adequate to replace the old.

Keep going. I always tell those who ask me how I recovered that I considered every day that I was still fighting, still breathing, as a successful day. For me, SUCCESS = GETTING BACK UP. No matter how many times I fell down, how many times I was knocked down, I always forced myself to get back up and try again.

You may have a feeding tube right now, and that is what you need. Maybe later your stomach will ‘remember’ how to do its job, and become strong again. But for now, thank goodness we have the technology to get your body the nutrients it needs in other ways. So just focus on building your coping skills so that they are so strong that you will not need to return to your eating disordered behavior patterns as often in the future.

In regards to the abuse you endured, I have been reading a wonderful book lately, and it addresses this subject. In the book, the author makes the point that it is extremely unfair that we hold ourselves in a place where we punish ourselves for being abused by adopting similar self-abusive tendencies. We did not commit any crime. We did not abuse anyone. And yet we withhold life, joy and health from ourselves because of the abuse we endured. The book offers forgiveness as the solution to painful memories that respond to nothing else.

In my experience, sustained recovery is built little by little, day by day, sometimes so subtly that we do not realize what we have until we have had it for quite some time. At least this is how it was for me. One day I just realized I had not resorted to my eating disordered behaviors in quite some time! Recovery – true recovery – creeps up on us while we’re busy doing something else.

So pay attention to the small stuff of recovered life. Each little tiny forward step you make is cause for celebration. NOTICE your day-to-day effort, and (as I myself did) keep a journal of each moment in each day when you chose to do something to further your recovery goals. I used to get so excited to make journal entries that it would inspire me to show even more courage when I was challenged during the day!

You really can do this. You have the strongest motivation in the world to recover – love. Harness the power of love and ride it all the way home.

Warmly, and with HOPE,

Shannon

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