Working the Fourth Step Inventory

Shannon has generously asked me to share my experience, strength and hope around working the 12 Steps of recovery in a series of Good News articles. Before beginning this one, I want to clarify that these articles are based on my experience, both in personal recovery from alcoholism and codependency, and as a sponsor helping others to recover from these addictions and various eating disorders. I claim no formal education on the subject of recovery, and what I write is simply about what has worked for me and others in my circle of recovering friends.

Last month, we talked about how fear and resentment are the chief ways through which people living in addictions relate to the world. They rob us of life itself by keeping us mired in the past, worried about the future ? and rarely in the present moment where all life actually occurs. How do we stop living this way, at the mercy of our past mistakes and learned behaviors ? all those uncomfortable feelings we must eradicate with no food, too much food, alcohol, drugs, cutting...? Once we have opened our hearts to the concept of a higher power directing our steps, the fourth step is the first action we must take to work our way out of the prison of our addictions into the sunlit vision of a better ? and happier ? way of living. It seems a daunting task to take a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves. Where do we begin?

My initial experience with this step was not a good one. I was offered a very lengthy form that asked all sorts of questions about other people. Admittedly, most of these people were close to me, and many of the questions revolved around my relationship with them. It took me nearly a year to write 179 pages of answers, and I nearly dropped back into my alcoholic behaviors countless times as I completed it. It was a dangerous time for my recovery. And the process did me little good in the long run. The questions (and my answers) were disjointed. They helped me to see that my thinking was indeed burdened with fears and resentments, but they did not clarify patterns of choices and behaviors in a way that would help me to establish honest, responsible patterns ? that is, to learn to love living life on life?s terms.

The first really effective 4 th step I completed was worked with someone who had themselves completed the 12 steps and who believed in the simple, straightforward inventory that was first offered in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. This version is designed to accomplish two things: (1) to clearly view my patterns of behavior around certain situations (most of which developed in my earliest years) and (2) to help me honestly view the part I played in the outcomes of my life. I looked honestly at the choices I made and took responsibility for them. I had an opportunity to see how certain key events in my early years set up fractured, filtered ways of looking at every situation or choice from then on ? how I decided negative things about myself and then made choices that would confirm them.

The best approach is a process, and for me, I need to do everything I can to keep the process moving rather than getting bogged down in feelings of guilt, blame, shame, or fear until I can share my inventory with someone I trust. Here is the process that worked successfully for me and others I have shared it with.

Who should be on the inventory? Begin with a simple list of everyone ? if someone?s name is not available, tag them with a phrase like, ?bully in second grade.? Do not pause to reflect on anyone; just write down names. Putting the completed list aside for a day ? and choosing not to think about the inventory at all for that day ? pick it back up with a brief prayer to a higher power for clarity and truth. Clear the mind of all thoughts, close the eyes, and then open them to look at the first name on the list. What is the first feeling? Is it a big smile and a feeling of peace? Then place a plus sign to the left of the name. Does the stomach clench, the face frown, do the teeth clench together? Place a checkmark next to the name. Are there no feelings associated with that person? Draw a single line through the name. Do only a few names at a time, putting the list aside the moment there are heavy feelings or the mind begins to wander into past incidences, especially if they are unpleasant. No need to rush. It is OK if this process takes several days. Clarity and a definite first feeling around each name is all that matters.

Once all the names are processed, it is time to begin the inventory. On a piece of paper, draw four columns (it is best to turn the page sideways to get enough space). At the top of the first column, write ?Who.? At the top of the second, ?What happened?? At the top of the third, ?Affects my??? And at the top of the fourth, ?What was my part?? You?ll probably need several sheets, so copying the first sheet helps. Enter only the names with checkmarks in the first column, giving yourself a couple of inches between each name. Then begin working on the second column. Beside each name, write a little bullet point about major incidences that occurred with this person. Just write enough to jog your memory when you share this inventory with someone you trust (the equally essential 5 th step that we will talk about more next month). Complete the entire second column before beginning on the third. The third column has only a few choices, and you can list one or all of them. They are self-esteem, serenity, ambition, personal or sex relations. Keep in mind that loss of serenity can be the same thing as fear. Again, complete this entire column before moving to the fourth. In the fourth, the choices are again limited, to ?I was:? selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and/or afraid.

The choices in the third and fourth columns are limited for a reason. Experience has shown us that most feelings and behaviors can be distilled into these words. Having only a few choices helps us to identify patterns of behavior. We can see where an incident or two in our past now affects every similar incident in our present, often in very inappropriate and unproductive ways. On the other hand, resolving those early incidences can lead to completely different and wonderful choices in the present.

For example, if we had a father who tended to yell all the time and it affected our serenity (we were fearful) and personal relationship with him (because of the fear), then every time we hear a man raise his voice from then on until we resolve the past will bring up fear and affect our relationship with that person. My dad was that kind of father, although a clear view through working the steps has allowed me to see him as deeply spiritual and loving ? I no longer hear the full volume voice and can love him and engage happily with him just as he is. But before recovery, I married two men who raged because my dad?s impatience was unresolved in my past and had had a strong effect on me. (Not only did I marry what was familiar to me ? thereby verifying that men rage and women are helpless children ? I also continued to behave fearfully and drink to escape my fear).

One of the best friends I ever had was a crotchety construction superintendent. Most of the time, he only had one volume ? loud. We became the best of friends because I could hear what he was saying instead of the volume at which he was saying it. He was as true blue a friend as anyone could ever have, and I am grateful to have recovered enough to engage as a whole human being ? without fear ? in that friendship. And today, in deep recovery and with deep gratitude, I no longer make choices to confirm my past. I make choices that work for me today, including the choice of a sweetheart who speaks gently to me and is the paragon of patience and compassion.

Blessings to you all, and may the next year be one of deep recovery and much joy for each and every one of you!

If you would like to submit a question or idea for a topic you would like to see addressed in a future edition, please send it to Shannon c/o Good News HERE