QUESTION: Hi Shannon, I was watching a thing on you tube about eating disorders, and a clip of you came on about MK Olsen. I decided to see if you had a myspace music page, and you did. But then I found this page. I am currently struggling right now. I have dropped a lot of weight. What is your experience with ED's?

I am currently NOT seeking recovery due to the fact that I am still rather LARGE. Being 5 ft 2, I'm not hitting recovery til I'm XX* pounds. I'm currently XX-ish*, so I have a long way to go. I'm scared to go to recovery because I'll see all skinny girls and I'd be the fattest one. (I'm a former gymnast/cheerleader) So I have a lot of muscle. After watching the THIN documentary, I'd def be the fattest one. I'm afraid I'd relapse too, and be worse than I am now when I get out of recovery, so on that note, I don't think I'm small enough to go.

ANSWER: The first piece of advice I would give you is to seek a second opinion about your need for entering recovery. I ‘hear’ the voice of your eating disorder coming through loud and clear as I read your message. Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. We know that now. We have lost far too many victims by not recognizing that an eating disorder does not always make itself plain to the naked eye – in some cases, it is literally the master of disguise.

HOWEVER, at this point, from what you describe to me above, you are NOT QUALIFIED to assess your recovery needs or the state of your own health. From what I read (and I encourage you to seek a thorough medical and psychological evaluation from professionals closer to home who can really assess what your condition and needs are) you are deep into the mental, biological and environmental illness that is an eating disorder, and you need help NOW.

My experience with eating disorders is simply this – they will not go away on their own. EVER. Instead, they will get worse and worse until they kill us. So I will ask you this question, as simply and bluntly as I can in an attempt to cut through the ED voice in your head – Do you want to live?

If you want to live, you must get help. Fear of relapse should be a faint shadow next to fear of dying from an illness that kills twelve times more women your age than any other single cause.

I would encourage you to read my responses to other readers in this issue, and in past issues of Good News. I include many of the recovery strategies I devised for myself (in lieu of the having the option for professional care which was not available to me at the time when I was sick) that eventually worked to help me recover fully from my eating disorder. Ultimately, it would be ideal if you could receive treatment from a team – as comprehensive as you, your family and your insurance permits. This team should consist (at minimum) of a medical doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a nutritionist. In time you should seek a mentor as well – someone who has been down the path of recovery and can reassure you at each point along the way that what you face is normal and you can get through it. But before a mentor can be of value to you, you must declare your intention, come hell or high water, to kick your eating disorder once and for all.

When you are ready, I encourage you to do two things. First, identify the one thing, or things, that matter to you more than your eating disorder. This is what I call your ‘key to life’. A ‘key to life’ is an either/or proposition – you can either have your ED, or the rest of your life back. You must choose.

Next, once you have chosen in favor of your ‘key to life’ (and not until you have chosen in favor of your ‘key to life’) write out a Statement of Intent to Recover. You can use this model if it is helpful:

I am going to recover from my eating disorder, no matter how long it takes, how hard I have to work, how much money I have to spend, or how much I have to rearrange my other priorities in order to make recovery my number one priority. I WILL win my life back, so that I can (fill in your ‘key to life’ here).

Good luck to you. Please write again if you need to. I believe you can recover – do you?

Shannon

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