QUESTION: I am a 37 year old mother suffering with an ED. Now it seems my 12-year-old daughter is showing signs too. How can I possibly help her when I can't even help myself?

ANSWER: You can help her BY helping yourself. The common parenting fallacy that plagues us all is that, when we have kids, we are supposed to be completely healthy, completely free, completely restored from whatever unresolved issues we carry with us from our own past experiences. Hah. We wish. The reality is, as you know, that often this cannot be farther from the truth!

The BEST gift you can give your daughter is to partner in recovery together. Be honest with her. Talk with her from your more mentally mature standpoint about what goes into the formation of an eating disorder. Study media advertisements together in magazines – talk about the messages that TV ads and programs send to us as women. Make a pact TOGETHER to learn to love your bodies and take good care of them. Find ways you can solidify your commitment together – sign petitions, read books and discuss them, eat together and speak words of love and encouragement to each other – the same words you each need to hear yourselves. When she is having a tough day, talk with her about it from the standpoint of one who truly, truly understands.

Do not ask her to do as you say and not as you do….instead, just let her know up front that you are also facing the same challenge, but that together you can face it determinedly, and with the courage of two warriors! Your daughter looks up to you. That is what daughters do. She doesn’t expect you to be perfect – in fact, that is not what she needs from you. What she expects from you is to be the best mom you can be as you are still healing yourself as well, and to show her that when life gets tough, you FIGHT.

You CAN help yourself. I have corresponded with many parents who finally discovered their fighting spirit when their ED began to infiltrate their children’s lives as well. Use whatever inspiration you can get your hands on to re-commit to your own recovery work, and, in the process, to be a good example for your daughter as well.

FYI - most of the time, in my experience, I have found the words ‘I can’t’ to be invalid. More often than not, what ‘I can’t’ really translates into is one of these: ‘I couldn’t before’, ‘I won’t’, ‘I don’t want to’, or ‘No one else believes I can so I don’t believe I can either’. Try substituting the ‘I can’t’ in your message above with one of these other phrases, and see what comes up for you.

Then sit down right away and create a plan to recommit to recovery. I turned 37 years old this month myself. I am one decade free from anorexia and bulimia. There was a time in my life where I didn’t even know what I was struggling with. Once I figured out what was wrong, it took me ten years to break free. But once I knew what the problem was, I knew I had all the information I needed to come up with a plan to free myself of it. And it was worth a decade of my life to have the life I have today!

Knowledge is power. USE your power. It is NEVER too late to re-chart the course of your future! Reach out for help. Join support communities. Enlist your family’s support. Apprentice yourself to a nutritionist or dietician who can make sure you are nutritionally stable to do the mental and emotional work you need to do to heal. Make sure your daughter has the same help and support – the earlier you catch an ED, as you know, the better the prognosis is for recovery. And, by the way, kudos to you for seeing what is happening in your own life, and in your daughter’s life – and for reaching out for help. That takes courage, and humility….which, by the way, are also two of the primary essential qualities that can predict a successful recovery!

And keep me posted on how you and your daughter are doing.

Warmly, and with HOPE,

Shannon

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