QUESTION: Hi, I'm sorry, I know you probably don't have the time for me and you probably get a lot of e-mails like this but what if I don't think I'm ready to change. I weigh more than I would like to and I don't really have a lot of chance to exercise. I teach dance for about six hours a night three times a week but I feel like I'm not small enough. How do I know when I'm ready to and how do I know if I even have a problem. I mean, I'm bigger than most girls let alone girls with eating disorders. I'm so scared people are going to judge me for my looks. I'm scared that I won't get any business because of my weight. How could someone my size be a good dancer? Again, I'm sorry for taking up your time but I figured just typing this out to someone would help me out. Thank you for your time and your effort to help people that are much worse off than me. Thank you.

ANSWER: Hi – thank you so much for writing. And, first things first – I cannot even estimate how many letters I get that begin and/or end with an apology for taking up my time, for asking for help, for expecting a reply in light of others who (the letter-writer seems to assume) are in so much more pain. We are ALL in the same amount of pain when we are living contrary to what is best, and healthiest, for ourselves and our lives. And we all – individually and collectively – have stumbling blocks that seem to arise almost by design to temper us and expose the hidden light within. So my time is best spent with you, and with others, but not more with others than with you. Please take this to heart, and do not apologize for the act of reaching out for help. This is one of the most admirable and courageous acts a human being can ever perform, and worthy of a medal of honor.

Of course you are scared that people are going to judge you. Can you think of one single person who actually is immune to negative or critical feedback? All human beings carry within us the fear of alienation, of isolation, and of rejection. That is because we are communal beings. We do not do well apart from the group. We are supposed to keep company with others, to form supportive units, to give and to receive from others. This, biologically speaking, increases the likelihood of survival, both for the individual, and for the group! So it makes sense that you suffer from fearfulness that the group will not proffer acceptance and inclusion.

However, it is important – beyond important – to understand that you will experience about as much as acceptance from others that you extend to yourself. People have emotional radar that is continually reading the emotional and internal state not just of themselves, but of the individuals around them. When we are not at ease with ourselves, within ourselves, others can sense it. They can sense fear – they may not know where it is coming from, but they can sense it and they react just as strongly as if the fear was coming from within them. We experience the most rejection from others when we reject ourselves the most harshly. We attract the most acceptance and support from others, in contrast, when we become willing to accept and support ourselves.

I cannot tell from your letter, but it may be safe to assume that your profession is as a dancer, or dance instructor, or both? The discipline of dance tends to be a particularly triggering one for those at-risk for the development of eating disorders. It is going to have to be an individual judgment call on your part whether to continue in these types of activities while you are in such a weakened condition. I might suggest that, if at all possible, you put some protective distance between yourself and extremely triggering situations.

‘Smaller’ is an incredibly subjective adjective. And what is ‘small enough’ to you? When will you be small enough, and how will you know? And how realistic is it for you to achieve ‘smaller’ in light of differences in skeletal shape, size, height and frame? Ultimately, you will only find freedom from comparisons to (mostly unlike) others by working hard with yourself, and hopefully with your medical doctor, to determine what is reasonable and HEALTHY for your weight, shape, size, gender, ethnicity, age and frame, and then setting THAT as the standard of individual achievement. It is pointless, fruitless and downright harmful to set your physical standards by someone else’s ideal body weight measurements. Furthermore, it is an impossible goal to achieve, and thus pointless and (to be frank) a waste of a perfectly priceless life!

The statement that you currently ‘weigh more than you would like to’, as an eating disordered individual, puts you in a very precarious position on several levels. Once again, you must do whatever you can to reset your brain into the REALITY of what is possible, and healthy, for you. In the meantime, study and research all you can about the greats in your industry, and in similar industries where weight is thought to be of some importance in success in the field. The movie Seabiscuit comes to mind. Go rent it, and watch how the jockey is forced to choose between bulimia and his profession, and how in the end it is his HEART, not his WEIGHT, that determines the final outcome.

You know you have a problem when your intuition kicks in and you do something to confirm it, like write a letter, for instance. You have a problem. I can already tell you that – you can read it for yourself in your own words in your letter. You are ready to do something about it when you are ready. Usually that is when the fear of the known finally outweighs the fear of the unknown (i.e. what will happen in your life when you can no longer turn to the eating disorder for management of life’s stressors). It is time to finish being scared of what might or might not ever happen, and live your life. It is time to table the endless mental chatter of what-ifs, and live in reality. Reality is that you have a problem. Reality is that you are the ONLY person who can choose to do something about it. Reality is that help is out there and available. Reality is that there are people on this planet who manage just fine without needing to resort to an eating disorder, and even have wonderful, productive, fulfilling and successful personal and professional lives to show for it! Reality is that recovery is possible – for you too. Reality is that it is time to take your first steps to get help.

I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you do decide to get help. You are worth it, and you can do it.

Warmly,

Shannon

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