Advice About Recovering From A Relapse
Shannon -

I am definitely doing way better in managing my eating disorder than I was a couple years ago, but I'm still not there yet. I still struggle - I find myself counting calories up in my head even when I don't mean to, and I weigh myself a lot. I know that's bad, but my treatment team needs to know what I weigh and I refuse to let them weigh me. But there are moments when I don't think about food, which is big progress. I feel a little more free and not quite as sad. Sometimes I just get so scared though. I hope that gets better someday, because sometimes when I talk to girls who are really sick I think "Why are they complaining so much? they're not taking enough responsiblity for what they do!" Like people who say they relapsed but they didn't mean to and now they don't know what to do. No relapse is really accidental, I don't think. What do you think?

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Hi - I appreciate your honest question about relapsing - it is an important question to ask when you are as active in trying to recover as you seem to be.

Make no mistake - recovery is hard work. Let me say that again - it is HARD work. For EVERYONE who goes through it. And you are experiencing what everyone experiences who recovers - you are doing everything right and the fact that it's hard is what proves it.

But (and I say this often and I mean it every time) anything worth having is worth going through ANYTHING to get. It really is. You are just going to have to trust me on this for now, but I'm looking forward to the day when you tell me 'you were right.'

I don't believe in weighing, and I think your instinct is a good one that you should stay away from weigh-ins. However....it is important for your doctor to know what your weight is in context with your overall health. My recommendation is that you get weighed, but do what I do - turn around on the scale and don't look. I still do that to this day when I go to the doctor. I figure - they need to know and my weight is on a need-to-know-basis. And I don't need to know! In fact, I need to NOT know. But your doctor does need to know, and so do the professionals on your treatment team. If you can get to a point where you can allow the weigh-in to occur but explain that for mental health reasons you don't want to know what you weigh that would be the ideal situation. It would really surprise me if your doctor doesn't honor this request and do whatever he or she can to advise you on health and nutrition without talking about weight. Talking about weight is not a good idea when you are recovering from an eating disorder, as you already know. It is usually not allowed in formal treatment programs.

And by the way - I am really really encouraged by how aware you are of the need to take responsibility for your own healing process. Your instinct that relapses are not accidental is right on target! When you first got the eating disorder you probably never meant to develop it. I know I didn't. But after you know what it is you have and then you CHOOSE to relapse...well, you called it. After that it's a choice. It's a conscious decision. It's selfish and irresponsible and extremely draining on everyone involved. And you are completely right when you say that it is on that person whether they live or die, remain sick or heal. No one else can do it for them and they should take responsibility for doing the work to heal and honoring the help they've been given along the way by getting better.

I can totally relate to how you feel about that process of healing, though - it is scary to move outside the shelter of the disorder, especially after being as sick as it sounds like you've been. And in a way it is easier to let people care for you. But when you realize how much it takes out of the people who love you to be put in that position of caring for you and worrying constantly about you....the compassion in your heart will desire to remove that worry from their lives. And you will want to give back in gratitude for the service they have given to you, by believing in you and helping you, by getting better.

And you will begin to change your experience of what you are worth to see how much others are willing to give to you so you will survive. Think how much you must be worth to your parents, the therapists and doctors and health care providers and all the people and friends you've had around you, helping you, that they would work so hard to make sure you make it! Doesn't that make you see your worth in a different light and give you courage to keep working?

You've come SO far...much, much too far to give up now. You probably can't see it, but the stuff you're worrying about now - counting calories in your head and that sort of stuff - it is such small stuff compared to what you've already overcome. So you count calories in your head. You can shut that off anytime you choose to - not overnight, but over time. It will take awhile to build up the habit of NOT counting the calories, just like you invested a lot of time in learning to count them, but just like you made one habit you can un-make it and make a new, better one in its place. Remember - you are in control of your mind and YOU give the orders, not the other way around. Your mind will rebel for awhile, and then it will finally give up because you are stronger than it is. Keep persevering. This is good work you're doing!

I'm going to shamelessly use a cliche now - I'm sure you've heard the one that says 'it's darkest before the dawn'. That is what it's like in recovery too. Here's an easy formula to help you bear the hard times - the harder the forward step is to take, the bigger step you are taking. It's really simple. If you're having a really bad day, you are trying to make a really big breakthrough. Little challenges, little progress. Big challenges, big progress.

So take heart. We have a lot more inner reserves and resources built into our very being than we'll ever access or need no matter how hard our life gets. The best example is the Holocaust. How did those people survive - the ones who endured and came out at the end - how did they endure all those hardships and trials? Our bodies, minds, and hearts are fortified with incredible resources to stay alive. We default to 'live.' You are going to have to try very very hard to give up because you are programmed, from birth, to keep going. In time you will see that - if you actually did decide one day 'that's it, I'm giving up' - well, I challenge you at that moment to actually give up. You'll stumble, and you'll probably even fall, but you're programmed to get back up, just like I am, and your other friends who are choosing to heal and live are too. You can only lay there so long before you have to get up again....it's ok if you stumble or fall and recovering is not another exercise in trying to be perfect. It is messy, drawn-out, and all too human. But so you'll fall....just watch yourself get back up...you will amaze yourself at how much endurance and courage and determination and perseverance you actually have! Recovery will teach you more about yourself than anything else you will ever do in this life. It is a gift, if you can just get into that mindset and determine to experience it as a gift and a learning and teaching experience that will someday help you to live the life you were born to live.

You hang in there, ok? You are a very, very courageous young woman and I believe in you. I know you have what it takes to heal and I'm excited to see what happens as you continue to walk down that road behind me. You can do it.

blessings & love,

Shannon