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 Advice About Friends Who Aren't Supportive
Dear Shannon -
It is such a comforting feeling to know that someone went through the same thing I have now and has gotten through it. So you can now help me through my struggles. I have a question for you - sometimes my friends say things to me and the things they say make the eating disorder worse. My friends don't really understand that their comments about weight and calories and how I look make me sicker. And when I try to tell them not to say those things they get upset and then they think it's their fault I have an eating disorder. More than anything, I want to heal, but I don't think that the comments my friends make are going to stop. Do you have any helpful advice? I have been praying for wisdom and guidance, and I think God sent me to you. Thank you for your time.
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Hi - It was wonderful to get your letter and read about your assertiveness and courage in your efforts to heal.
About your friends…there are two aspects to what is often called 'trigger management' (that is a technical term for 'how to get people to stop saying things that make you self-conscious') in recovery. The first is just what you have done - taking responsibility for your own healing by ensuring that the company you keep is good and healthy company, and that includes the words you choose to speak and listen to. So that step is as follows -
1. Asserting yourself when friends inadvertently and unknowingly say or do something to trigger you. A loving friend will want to support you in your recovery efforts and applying the 'they don't know till you tell them' rule is a good initial approach to sharing with friends how they can best support you and avoid triggering you.
But then, there is another, less well known aspect to this two-part process -
2. Managing the effects of the inevitable and sometimes unavoidable triggers you will be exposed to as you continue to strive to heal. Here's a for-instance you will relate to - You go into the grocery store and there is a copy of 'People Best & Worst-Dressed' with all the supermodels on the cover. You know that you usually feel more body conscious and worse about your body image after reading People. But you like reading it too. What do you do?
If you are like me, and practicing trigger self-management step 2, you do not pick up 'People' Magazine even though some part of you wants to. Similarly, if you are you, and you have a friend that either cannot or will not respect your feedback to not say triggering things, you do not spend time around that friend.
It is hard advice, I know. But it is good advice, and it works. Either your friends support you - forever, if necessary, or the friendship is not 'good company' for you in your recovery and you seek out new friends and leave unsupportive and unloving friends behind.
That is where you are with your friends right now. One of three things will happen - they will abstain from making remarks they know hurt and threaten your health. They will continue to make the remarks, forcing you to abandon the friendships to protect yourself from further harm. Or they will join you in your new life, also working to heal the areas in their lives that are broken and learning how to genuinely love and support one another in true friendship.
That is the advice I have for you. Your friends CAN abstain from making those remarks forever if that is what it takes, IF they really love you. The question is not 'Can they', but 'Will they.' And for that you will have to wait and see, and proceed as it will best support your desire and will to heal.
I hope this helps. Blessings & love,
Shannon
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