Key-to-Life by Shannon Cutts

Talking to Parents About an Eating Disorder
Shannon,

I've had anorexia and bulimia for almost five years. I recently told my parents about my eating disorder, but they haven't taken it very well and now I don't know where to go to get help. I feel so overwhelmed by this. I want to get better so badly. Getting better seems so impossible. Any advice? I'm very close to God and I know that through Him all things are possible. I know that you have said that we have all the tools to heal ourselves and I believe that but I don't think I can recover on my own. I love your answers to all the questions from other girls. You are an inspiration. Thank you! You've made me want to get better and sing! Thanks! Love always!

***

Hi - Thank you so much for writing – your courage and determination comes through loud and clear in your email, and it is obvious to me that you have already begun the process of healing from the ground-up, even though it is probably hard for you to see it because you are so close to your pain and your feelings of loneliness and fear (very natural when you have a disease that promotes isolation and secrecy). I am glad you contacted me – that is what I am here for. And I am very glad you share with me that you are very close to God – I am glad that you know that and can feel His presence. That is a good and safe place to be no matter what may temporarily be going on in your life. Because you will notice - not once in Scripture will you ever find reference to the benefits of engaging in a life-threatening behavior as a means to a good end. Eating disorders kill – tens of thousands – annually. And as someone with an eating disorder I had to understand, just as you have to understand, that ‘Thou shalt not kill' refers to us in reference to ourselves too! It is so clear to me that your faith is important to you, and so you should learn as much as you can about what your faith has to say about taking good care of yourself.

You also need to realize that your situation with your parents is not nearly as uncommon as you might think. I call it ‘getting in trouble for being in trouble.' It feels like a roadblock, even a dead-end, when parents whom you confide in do not react with support and encouragement. But it is not an obstacle to healing like you think it would be. Because healing is up to you. I discovered that even though sometimes I didn't know where to look, I really was never without the resources I needed to heal. So that is what we are going to focus on in this email – helping you to open your eyes and look around you with more perception as to where those resources might be found.

I just share those two things with you right up front so that you will know that I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through now and that even if you don't see it yet, I truly believe that if I could heal in spite of that, you can too. Trust me – you can do it. I was 90 lbs., anorexic and bulimic for 12 years before I even started to show true signs of recovery. You CAN heal – I believe in you wholeheartedly. Just the fact that you found my site and wrote to me tells me you have what it takes. 11 million young people have eating disorders in this country right now – but you are one of the relative few in light of that staggering number who found my site and actually found the time and courageous honesty to write to me to ask for advice. That means something! You are scared – that is natural. I was too. All the time. I was scared even after I began healing and began really trying to get better. It is a scary thing to be ‘on your own', struggling to understand something in your life that seems to be controlling you and you don't know yet how to lock the door and keep it out for good. And college is a stressful time even without the added stress of an unsupportive family and an eating disorder. But understand that you CAN heal. If I could do it you can definitely do it too.

An eating disorder is a temptation to buy into the media's lies – that there's an easier way to happiness than doing the inner work that will strengthen you to know what you are worth, and what level of care you deserve. The media advertising message we get loud and clear is - just lose weight and all your dreams will come true! Unfortunately most girls learn this from magazines and movies and peers very early on and gradually, and by the time they have begun to truly believe it and the eating disorder shows its ugly face it's too late.

So use your faith to fight back. Start asking God to show you how He is supporting you in your efforts to heal. Ask Him to open your eyes to the resources He has placed all around you to get better. For instance (these are just some random ideas – just to get you thinking) - Is there a school near the school you attend that does have an on-campus treatment program? Is there a way you could get an on-campus job you could walk to to help you pay for treatment off-campus? How about a local hospital or clinic where you could explain your situation and offer to pay in installments? Is there any way you could look into getting health care coverage through your university, or even take out a small emergency or student hardship loan to pay for health care? I know that sounds extreme – but eating disorders are extremely dangerous. There's no sense in having or saving money now if you don't survive to use it later. A small loan now could make a world of difference in your future. I know one in-patient treatment facility that is quite well known that has a history of being very flexible in terms of structuring payment plans that work for their clients. It is possible you could find other such programs in your area. Call a therapist and explain your situation – pray to God for His help to help you find someone who can treat you. Have you looked into counseling centers at local churches? Some large churches have free or very inexpensive in-house counseling centers for their members and visitors – Christian counseling is often available through churches and Christian outreach programs. You could call around and talk to some pastors at the larger churches in your area and ask for their advice. You could even investigate nearby emergency clinics and shelters and ask about what they might have to offer you. I don't want to assume anything about your situation since I don't know much about your current state of health – for instance, I wasn't sure if your reference to not being able to walk was because there is no therapist practicing close to your campus, or because medically you are not healthy enough to walk long distances. It might be worth investigating whether a supportive friend has a car and would drive you, or if there is a bus service you could use to get around town?

Another resource I found very helpful in my own recovery efforts was the library. There are several excellent books out written both from the perspective of those who have survived eating disorders, and those who have treated victims of eating disorders. There is one book in particular that I know of that is almost like self-guided therapy – while not meant to replace interaction with a qualified therapist, it can in fact accomplish the same purpose if used with a steadfast and wholehearted determination to heal. The book is called Hope, Help & Healing for Eating Disorders by Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D. I recommend reading books in lieu of or in addition to formal counseling (and doctor's visits) because essentially therapy is simply assisted dialogue with yourself – a way of ‘hearing' what is going on inside you with an objective listener sitting by your side, asking you questions, guiding your thought processes and helping you find the informational power within to heal.

And it is also important for you to remember that you must do the work of healing - even your faith cannot do it for you. You have arms and legs, eyes and ears, a creative mind - faith or no faith, you will still have to work very hard to heal. There is no easy way - there is just the difficult path that builds a recovery that lasts. The general rule is – for every year you are ill, add 1-5 years to heal (the variance is due to a large number of factors including degree of illness, prior level of good health, counseling, etc.) So you might have another 5 years ahead of you – at minimum – to work hard, stay focused, and affirm daily to yourself and God that yes, you really do want to heal, and yes, you really will do whatever it takes to get better. It is worth 5 years to wait for healing – it is worth 55 years. Trust me on that. And I will share this with you – my own full recovery didn't happen that long ago. It was only 6 years ago when I finally kicked into the final leg of my journey towards recovery. I had anorexia and bulimia for over half my life before I got better! But i was worth it. This is your life we are talking about, and patience is much more than just a virtue – it is a lifesaver in your case and mine. And just a little footnote since you mention that you love to sing - Music played a big part in my healing process – you probably read in some of the other Ask Shannon entries how I lost my voice when I was really sick with bulimia and getting it back was a huge motivator that helped me commit to healing.

I will close for now with a little story, and then a few practical suggestions that really helped me. When I was a few years out of college, I was given the opportunity to serve for half a year doing service work in India with very poor families who needed food and medical attention. I really wanted to do this work. There was just one problem though – I was still bulimic and anorexic. So I lied to the coordinators about my level of recovery, was accepted to the program, and off I went off to India, where I soon discovered that if I didn't eat, and didn't keep down what I ate, I couldn't work. And I really wanted to do this work – this was work, finally, that gave my life meaning and purpose, and gave me a sense of value and direction I'd never had before. And I started to understand the value and purpose of the body in a way I never had before – as a kind of car that could take me where I needed to go and do the humanitarian service work I felt called to do. I realized my ‘car', my body, was not fully functional with the level of care I was giving it. It wasn't totally broken yet, but it broke down often, and when I was too weak to work or my stomach hurt too much to stand, I was sent back to my dorm room to lie on my bed for days at a time, while all around me others who ate and kept down their meals were allowed to serve others. And all of a sudden I got it – I realized I didn't have TIME for the eating disorder anymore! I didn't have any extra energy to devote to something so spiritually degrading, so physically harmful, so disrespectful to those I was called to serve. So I decided that the key to recovery was re-learning from the ground up how to care for my body.

So here is what I did. I created covenants - binding promises - with myself that I would hold myself to in my healing process. Here are some examples:

Bulimia:

What I put in my body stays in my body – once it's in there I will consider it from the perspective of the mature adult I am who chose to put it in, and will not do anything to try to take it back out again (like throwing it up or using laxatives or diuretics – which, by the way, do not work!)
If I do not want something in my body, I will not put it in there (again, the ‘mature adult' part of the covenant from point #1 above).
I will not throw up no matter what the food I choose to eat.
I will carefully contemplate what causes me to throw up and create a mealtime environment that minimizes stress and anxiety and promotes peace, gratitude and the good gift of food (for awhile I ate every meal in absolute silence, and I read a book about the value of food and the value of eating well while I ate – every single day!)
Anorexia:
I will treat food like medicine – taken in measured quantities for the specific purpose of keeping the body God has given me functioning well.
I will not use food for purposes other than that for which it was intended.
I will cultivate good, positive, female role models (women I admire and aspire to be like – in my case, a monk I worked alongside in India was the first role model I sought out). I will study what they eat and eat the same way they eat daily.
I will pause before each bite of food/drink – whether a meal or a snack or a vitamin pill. In my prayer I will cultivate thankfulness for the gift of food.
Some food is better than no food or too much food which is then thrown up – if all I can eat is a smoothie or a power bar, that is good enough for that meal and I will give myself positive reinforcement for a step in the right direction.
I will commit to eating two good meals a day (I've never been much for breakfast even to this day) and one light mid-morning snack – and every single day I will eat two good meals and one snack. (Interesting side effect of this one is that now I feel guilty if I DON'T eat – I am very aware that in choosing not to eat I am breaking a covenant, and keeping my covenant is more important to me than maintaining an eating disorder ever was.)

So…because I know how important your faith is to you, I will give you a little assignment, if you are willing. I want you to sit down over the next few days and write a covenant with God around your desire to heal. Start with your overall intention – tell God what you are asking of Him, and why. Then, using my example above, break it down into smaller actions you can take and commitments you can make to keep up your end of the promise – things that you commit to Him to do to as your part in the healing process. I'd be happy to work on it with you if you would like – it's up to you. Just promise me you will try. It is a very powerful experience to make and commit to a covenant with God – this is your life we are talking about, and He wouldn't have created you in the first place if He didn't desperately love you and want you to live!

Please feel welcome to keep in touch with me and let me know how you are doing – your story sounds so much like my own and I will be praying for you and am here to support you in any way I can. You can get better – and you will get better if you make a conscious, covenant-supported, CHOICE to do so.

With blessings & love,

Shannon