Advice to a Grandmother
Shannon,

I just read an article about your work in our local paper. I was very impressed and ordered a CD for my granddaughter. She is 15 years old and has a similar story. We are very concerned for her. Her parents are now involved and have family counseling. I sure would like to somehow get her in touch with you. She is on the internet a lot, really hung up on rock groups with disturbing lyrics, which is frightening. Any advice?

A Concerned Grandma

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Hi - thanks for writing! How lucky your granddaughter is to have a concerned grandmother like you! You can order my CD online on the Store page.

I do have some words of contemplation for you and for her parents and I would be honored to share some of those thoughts with you. And please send your granddaughter my weblink and tell her I would love to chat with her online - I talk to youth all over the world through my Good News ezine where I individually and confidentially answer all questions I receive.

First of all, I am glad you and her parents are so aware of what is going on in your granddaughter's life - her music tastes, her pastimes, her struggles with an eating disorder. That is an excellent first step that, believe it or not, many people have not gotten to yet. Be encouraged - your caring and attention to her have the potential for really making an impact in her future.

I would encourage you in particular to express an interest in the type of music she listens to, especially since it is of concern to you as far as her health goes. Offer to discuss it with her. Ask if you can borrow some of her favorite CD's or listen online with her at the artist websites. If she resists, persist - purchase the music on your own at a store and listen to it, then the next time you are together with her at home or in the car, play the CD's so she can see you are serious about wanting to connect with her through music.

I would recommend you listen to my CD together as well to ensure that both you and your granddaughter are listening to the same music and can discuss it together. My music contains very different, potentially conflicting messages vs. the music she listens to now. Music can and often does serve as a powerful communication tool and even a separate language for youth, and you can begin to explore the messages some of her favorite artists are sending in their music vs. the messages I am sending in my songs and which messages feel better to her and help her better face her day and overcome life's challenges.

Your granddaughter needs to understand that she is not a passive listener and observer as she CHOOSES music to listen to, but that she is an ACTIVE and WILLING participant in the kind of lifestyle, belief systems, and messages her chosen artists are conveying in their music. Help her outline what messages her favorite artists are promoting with their music. Ask her if she agrees and wants to support these messages - if she would, for instance, encourage her best friend to endorse and live out the messages embedded in the lyrics she listens to, and if she thinks those messages would help her best friend be stronger, smarter, healthier. Ask her this - if there were a club and everyone had to believe these messages and live the lifestyle they endorse, would she join that club? In this way she can start to harness the power of music for her good rather than letting its influence harm and derail her.

If you haven't already, I would also suggest that you and her parents monitor her other activities in a similar way. The next time I come to Arizona I would be happy to do a Key To Life Event at her school or church if that is of interest, but there are many things you can do to serve in a similar mentoring role with a voice of wisdom and influence in her life. Keep in mind that often other disorders eventually come alongside and go hand-in-hand with eating disorders - drugs, alcohol, smoking, cutting, relationships/sex....I am very glad your granddaughter's parents are involved in family counseling, and I hope as well that your granddaughter has a good individual counselor she is seeing. Family counseling is very beneficial as a support, but not a replacement to, individual therapy.

Also keep in mind that a counselor is often not the only professional needed in battling an eating disorder. A medical doctor, nutritionist, psychiatrist (for short-term anxiety or mood medication to balance hormones out of balance from unhealthy eating habits and emotions), and if they are amenable and open to it, a spiritual advisor/pastoral counselor as well. For serious cases, inpatient treatment is recommended.

I would encourage you and your granddaughter and her family to read some of my other replies to questions as well. These replies give a lot of helpful insight into how an eating disorder manifests, how it can harm you, the mind games it plays with you, and what it takes to heal. But I will leave you with these three points for consideration as priorities in addressing the healing process:

1. The eating disorder did not develop overnight. An eating disorder is the result of a series of rash responses to high anxiety situations, usually made by a young person between 12 and 25 who is not mature enough mentally to reason out whether seeking control over diet and weight will in fact achieve the control over other life situations and results he/she is seeking. It will take time for recovery to take place - the benchmark is: for every 1 year of the disorder, it takes 1-5 years to heal. The wide variance is due to a number of factors, but just keep that benchmark in mind. Healing takes time, and responds best to love, compassion, affirmation, encouragement, and extreme patience. Healing happens in little steps, stops and starts, most of the time, and setbacks are common, but if seen just as setbacks and not a prediction of ultimate failure, then professional help, affirmation and encouragement can overcome a setback and help the person continue walking the road to health.

2. Continue to address the eating disorder in your granddaughter's life, but not at the expense of other grandchildren, any other siblings, or her parents, or family life itself. Mealtimes should proceed as usual with as little focus on your granddaughter's presence and habits as possible. Try to keep mealtimes peaceful - a space where the eating disorder is not a focal point. Do as much as you can to make mealtimes a positive experience, to the point of keeping conversation light and uplifting, and atmosphere positive and peaceful.

3. You cannot do the hard work of healing for her - neither can her parents, friends, siblings, or other health care professionals. She has to WANT to heal - has to DECIDE and CHOOSE to heal, and to LIVE. It will take hard work - I can tell you that right now - but it is hard work that is more than worth it. It will take hard work for the whole family to support her in her healing process and not allow the family unit to degenerate into a playground for the disease. And it is the hardest thing you may ever have to do to sit by and watch her choose the eating disorder over life. But this is her burden and her struggle - even as a young person, it is hers to either triumph over or fall prey to. She does have that power - the eating disorder is not stronger and smarter than she is. She can heal - if she wants to. And saying this might not sound compassionate but it is the most compassionate thing I can say to you right now. If for some reason she does not get better, immediately or ever, it is NOT your fault. It is her choice.

So, saying that, please take heart from this - if your granddaughter really wanted to die, she would be dead already. She probably just isn't sure yet why she wants to live and what she stands for and what is special about her, which is one reason she turns to music for direction, guidance, belief systems and support. What you and her parents can do is provide her with feedback that points out to her all the she has to live for, how much she is loved and valued, that she deserves this love and the best life that is better than she can imagine, and to tell her what is so special about her and point out over and over again all her talents and gifts. Get her into service work - volunteering - where she can see that other people have problems too and she can help others and have a break from thinking about herself and her troubles all the time.

Give her every support, every bit of information, every resource, every encouragement, including dealing with whatever part you (or her parents) may or may not have played as individuals or as a family in the development of her disorder (she is after all a child and no one will know till they ask her what triggered her to start using this way of coping with her stress).

Listen well and without judgment - accept her experience of family and young life and be compassionate and willing to let her experience be real for her. Be courageous, be strong, be willing to stand up and be a part of the healing process, but be objective and detached as well. Think in present- and future-terms, not in terms of the past. You can't change the past and it is not important to assign blame for any applicable family dynamics. Just recognize (and this advice is really targeted towards her parents) that this is an opportunity for the family to grow closer together and also grow as individuals.

Please be welcome to stay in touch with me and let me know how your granddaughter is doing. If you have more questions or specific questions I'd be happy to address them. Your family and your granddaughter will be in my prayers.

blessings,

Shannon