Advice About Talking To A Suspected Anorexic & About Healing From A Drug Addiction

Hi - I read about Shannon in the newspaper, and was inspired by her story. My husband is an Athletic Trainer and teacher at a high school, and is concerned about a student with an eating disorder. He doesn't know what to do or say to help her, so I thought that your CD might be a good place to start.

I also have a brother who is addicted to cocaine. It is destroying his marriage, and his relationship with his 16 year old son, not to mention what it is doing to my parents. He is in a rehab program now (again). Thank you for sharing your story, and helping others. Please send me a copy of your CD, or information about where I can buy it, to share with my husband, his student, and my brother. Thank you, and God bless you.

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Hi - this is Shannon and I just received your email. Thank you for writing and sharing what is going on in your life and in the lives of your loved ones. My CD is available online.

In addition to the CD, I would suggest that your husband mention casually to his student that he's come across a cool new website, and give her this link to check it out: key-to-life.com. There are all sorts of additional links on this site that lead her to other eating disorder websites, and there is also a place where she can email me to ask questions. I would be more than happy and honored to talk to her - tell your husband to feel free to give her my email address if she wants to write me.

Eating disorders kill 50,000 young people in this country annually. 1 in 4 college-aged women struggle from eating disorders. These disorders are pernicious and deadly, and she needs help. Just understand going in that she may not be ready to get help, and in that case unfortunately there is not much you can do. But I can walk you through some things to help you talk with her - here are some basic suggestions:

1. Share general observations "I've noticed you seem tired/thin/inattentive/stressed out"

2. Share your concern and offer to listen if she needs to talk

3. Gently share that some of her recent symptoms remind you of someone who might have anorexia or bulimia. Ask her whether or not she would like to talk about it, and stress that you do not want to misunderstand what is going on in her life, but you do suspect she may have an issue with an eating disorder.

4. Send her to my website and ask her to check out some of the links and read some of the questions and see if she recognizes herself in any of the information.

5. Offer to accompany her to a counselor if she would like to talk to someone about her disease.

6. You didn't mention her age, but if she is a minor your husband should inform her parents, after he has talked to her and the school nurse/counselor, and only if it seems life-threatening (i.e. extreme weight loss, fainting spells, etc.) If that is not the case, give her a bit of time to open up to you first before you talk to her parents.

7. If she is over 18 (which I doubt from your email) she is a legal adult and the situation changes.

8. Expect denial. 85% of the time persons suffering from eating disorders deny there is a problem. She may come around later. Keep checking back with her. Keep mentioning your concern. Talk to her friends and ask them for feedback on recent behavior, and ask if they have talked to her or her parents about it. Do some research and this will help you decide what steps to take.

As far as your brother's issues with drug addiction, while that is not my specialization I will say that an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. I don't exactly know (although I suspect genetics may play a part) why certain people seem drawn to certain addictions and not others - for instance, I developed anorexia without even realizing I was doing it, but I have never tried drugs at all! But I also believe as you do that true 'recovery' is not fully possible if the person isn't ready to commit to it. Not everyone is ready to do that, and the hardest thing you will ever be asked to do is to watch a loved one destroy their life and be unable to convince them to do the hard work of healing. And you cannot do the hard work ahead of them for them - only they can do that.

Your brother will need to do several things in order to heal:

1. Confront his essentially passive-suicide behavior, and realize that he is basically taking the coward's way out. If he truly wanted to die, he would have done it already. What he doesn't understand yet is why he should truly want to wake up and live. Addiction is like numbing the mind and heart to what is really troubling us. We diffuse all our stress, confusion, pain, fear, loneliness and anger into a less overwhelming avenue - instead of facing our lives as they are and using that energy to change them, we choose the addiction instead, which burns the energy we need to make changes that we fear.

2. Accept that he is alive because he was deliberately created for something only he can do, and no one else. Accept that his behavior is disrespectful towards his family, his friends, but especially towards himself - and recognize that if he thinks he cannot kick the addiction, he has chosen to give it power over him, and he is lying to himself.

I tell youth all the time that if I can heal from my addiction, anyone can heal. The disease is not stronger and smarter than we are. It is a part of our minds gone awry - temporarily cancerous. The cancer responds to treatment, and we have the strength within us to prevail - we will never be tempted beyond what we can bear. He will be able to find plenty of examples of people who have healed from drug addictions. He has to accept that he isn't healing because he doesn't want to heal, not because he can't. Honesty is the root of recovery.

Encourage your brother to do service work. Feed homeless people. Help out with underprivileged youth. Bring him to events where he can begin to see again that he is not alone in his struggles. Do what you can to help him awaken from his isolated little world where cocaine is in charge, and simply keep praying and sending him messages that underline how precious he is.

It is truly up to your brother, but you can continue to pray and encourage him. Keep me posted.

Blessings -

Shannon