Advice About Asking For & Accepting Help
Hi Shannon -

I am a student, and I know that you are coming here to speak at my university. I want to thank you for speaking about eating disorders. I've been struggling with both Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa for 5 years now...and the struggle still goes on. I think it's great of you to talk about the disorders, because too many people are unaware. But I've been really nervous about meeting you when you come to speak and I'm not sure I should come, because right now I am struggling because I feel too 'big'. I can't stand it right now, and I'm feeling really badly because I just majorely binged. I know I am technically far from heavy, but I can't help but feel this way. Do you have any advice for me?

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Hi - thank you so much for writing! I will start by saying this - you will NEVER fully heal until you find a way to relate to yourself as worthy of someone else's care and concern. And please understand that I say that with the utmost respect and humility as one who's been in your shoes - and for far longer than I would have liked to occupy them. We are born and live to both give and receive love and care - and we are born to do something unique and precious that this world needs or we wouldn't be here! But neither you nor I can ever be in a position to offer anything of value to this world until we can first learn to receive what we need to be healthy and ready to serve.

I am going to send you to my website to read some of the replies I have recently posted (anonymously and confidentially I might add - all identities are completely protected) to others who are also struggling to heal. Go to Ask Shannon on my website and read and carefully consider my replies to those who, like you, have been courageous enough to reach out for the help they know they need to heal. Each person who contacts me is SO worth my time, because someone else once upon a time took the time to help me find the courage and inspiration to heal! That is how it works. Someone helps you, and then you turn around later on down the road and you can help someone else who needs you. And it is a blessing I can't even begin to describe to be able to help inspire someone else and see them take courage from my story of having survived.

I want you to do something for me - at least for the next week or so, but on an ongoing basis if you are able to and willing to do this. Every morning when you wake up, I want you to write down your top 3 NON-WEIGHT related goals for the day - these are the things you hope you will accomplish or at least work towards in that day, be it to study well for a test, do a good job at work, research for a future career, spend time with a close friend or family member, or develop your relationship with your own heart a little further. Then at the end of each day, I want you to write a short sentence about what you did to move a little closer to each goal that day, and whether or not you think your eating disorder contributed to or detracted from your ability to achieve your goals. If you 'feel fat' or 'feel big' at any point in the day, I want you to stop as close to the moment the feeling starts as possible and write about what the circumstances were immediately before you began to 'feel big' - and start to look for patterns in your emotions, relationships, and surroundings that might be contributing to those inaccurate perceptions of yourself, since you yourself tell me you know you are far from heavy.

This is just an example - but for instance, for me, I began to notice I'd 'feel fat' when I felt outside my comfort zone in a relationship with someone, in a moment when I felt like I didn't know how to relate to someone or a group of someones or I didn't know how to fit in socially or put myself at ease in social situations, so I'd fixate all my attention and energy on controlling just one aspect (weight) of what I felt was an out of control social situation. It wasn't till later that I realized my weight is not what people love about me and are drawn to in me - it is my heart! When I realized that I began to heal and I went from being a shy and lonely wallflower to someone who is truly able to have friends and be a good friend. And as far as the bulimia went, I eventually realized that when I would binge and purge, I was literally 'throwing up' emotions that were too overwhelming for me to digest. Look for patterns like that, although your own patterns may or may not mirror mine.

I also want you to do something I found incredibly helpful to me - I want you to begin to contemplate and write down what you'd like to see when you are 80 years old and you look back at your life (this is a powerful contemplation I often recommend because it really helped me.) Write down what you hope you have accomplished, the kind of family and relationships you hope you've had, and the dreams of your heart that you hope you have realized. Think about whether or not the eating disorder will ever have ANY ability to help you achieve any of your goals, and whether you want to look back at 80 and see a lifetime of anorexia and bulimia, or a lifetime that shines like Kate Winslet's in 'Titanic' - full of fantastic adventures, love, excitement, and flinging open her heart to share her gifts and her love with this world (which desperately needs every little bit of brightness each one of us has to contribute!)

It will be my blessing to stay in touch with you, and I hope you know you are welcome to continue our email conversation at any time.

many blessings and peace,

Shannon